A few lessons (April)

April I like to run. A lot. I love to be on the go, and I rarely think twice about it. I often feel confused when I meet people who take time to pause because it doesn’t come naturally for me AT ALL. I have learned over the last year though, that my mind often outruns my body. I just finished reading a book called Present over Perfect, and I realized that in so many ways I related to the author in that I genuinely fear stillness. I often find myself saying yes to everything, because I don’t want to miss out on ANYTHING! My soul loves to explore and learn, the problem is, I’m still in the process of understanding that there is so much to learn in the stillness. And in the wise words of Ferris Bueller, “Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.”

When I think about my relationship with God, I often picture myself as a small child who runs around gleefully, chasing after things. I picture myself getting muddy, climbing trees, dropping part of a popsicle on my shirt. And as any child who is having a lovely day, I often become so engrossed in what’s around me that I only truly return to Jesus or seek to dwell in his presence when I get hurt enough that I need to be taken care of, I realize that I’m lost, or when I have become so exhausted that I just need to be held and restored. After a month of running around in March, April has been a season of returning to my Father-- seeking to be held, taken care of, and reassured that I’m not lost. Working through a bit of homesickness, and faced with extra free time, I was forced to be still and process with Jesus. And as hard as it is for me to slow down sometimes, I truly cherish those moments of learning to be still.

Open Hands

I’ve learned that God often teaches me through themes. When I first arrived, that theme was living with my hands open. If you put your hands out in front of you, with your palms up, you will notice that by instinct your hands curl back into fists. For me, it is particularly painful to keep my hands positioned with palms open and hands in front of me, because I have a torn ligament in one wrist, and tendinitis in the other (thank you 10 years of cheerleading). I do not particularly enjoy the discomfort of leaving my hands like that, but I do appreciate the reminder—When we decide to live with our hands up, surrendering our most precious dreams, and deepest desires to God… surrendering our pain, disappointment, and doubts to God, it can be uncomfortable. But this is also the only way we can receive blessings as well. If our hands are in fists, we can’t catch anything. This is the same spiritually. If we are not willing to surrender what is in our hands, we keep ourselves from receiving what God has in store for us.

Grow Where you are Planted

After of a season of learning to live with “open hands” I now feel that God is teaching me a lesson that was spoken over me as a child. When I was little, I was given a wooden tool box. It is painted green and covered with tiny flowers, with the words, ‘Grow where you are planted’ painted on the side. It now sits in my bedroom in Kennesaw, stuffed with all sorts of misfit things, collecting dust. This month I have felt God ushering me into a new season—a season of digging my heals in, and planting seeds where I am. I have fought him a lot on this one, simply because it takes effort, and it’s much easier to just coast through the day, not pushing to build community outside of the office. But alas, it is worth the effort. So friends, please pray that I will be bold and choose to dig in.

What you’re “supposed” to do

The word “supposed” can mean a lot of different things, but to me, it meant this: “required to do something because of the position one is in or an agreement one has made.”This month I found myself thinking a lot about what my time during my internship was “supposed” to look like. I find that word a bit distasteful now—in fact, I really hate it. I was stressing about where to attend church, developing community, my job experience, and how to spend free time. I started to feel like I was crumbling into myself, and feel like I was doing everything wrong. Then I woke up. While it is wise to ask what those before you have done, it is unwise to use that as guidelines on how to live. I forgot to let God walk beside me. I was too scared that I might miss out or make a wrong decision that I refused to make decisions, or commit to anything because I was scared that it might not work out. I felt like there was an end destination that I was supposed to reach, and I needed to take the right steps to get there. How naïve of me! I finally stopped panicking long enough to hear God gently reminding me that I am enough, He has blessed me with this experience, and He doesn’t expect me to be anything except who I already am. He also reminded me that I need not fear failure.

A few other things

This month I really missed Athens, and days spent doing nothing with my friends. I learned that Italian roast coffee reminds me of my mom, and makes me miss mornings on the screen porch with her. I also realized that throwing a Frisbee is weirdly therapeutic for me. Oh, and Anthropolgie feels like home.